I love you Ninja Gaiden Sigma, but…

By Dave
———————–

Dear Ninja Gaiden Sigma

I really want to love you, but I can’t see past your flaws. I know this is shallow of me, but perhaps I’m just a shallow person. Please listen to what I have to say- I hope you will understand how I feel.

There are some things that I really loved about you though. Your combat system was beautiful and full of joie de vivre. It is a skilful system, requiring me to constantly keep guard and be alert and on my toes. I adore games that keep me aware and active. Sure, most games like to keep me entertained through a general glaze of past experience and see it all before know-how- you however, challenged me in a way that no game had ever challenged me before. In fact, I still remember the time that I had to tell you to go easy on me; the intensity was too much for me to take. Even then, you had me pulling off things I never thought that, as a gamer, I would be able to do. I learned your combat skill set, and you pushed to do more and more, enabling me to become a mighty ninja in your arms.

I will never forget that. Your core game was a superb balance of button pressing and positional awareness. It was the small things that let you down.

For example, the time you asked to jump across multiple platforms had me in tears. Why would you give me these tasks, when you knew that your control system wasn’t designed to enable me to do such things? I tried and I tried, but I kept overshooting jumps, falling down large gaps, jumping aimlessly and awkwardly in incorrect directions. You just looked on, letting me become infuriated. I felt it was unnecessary to our relationship, but still, time after time, you forced me to interact with this anguish.

Another major gripe I had was your erratic level design. I loved it when we were in feudal Japanese settings, slicing foes with our blades, but why did you take me to the unholy monastery catacombs? It was full of guff enemies, ugly textures and poor platforming. There was no need for you to force that upon me, and it lasted so long as well. I think perhaps in the future, maybe you should hire more beta testers to pick out these poor points in your profile.

Overall you were a good game, the best I’ve played in a while. But it could never last- you could never satisfy me fully. I’m happy now, I’ve found a new soulmate; she’s called God of War. She’s not as unforgivingly tough as you, but she doesn’t infuriate me half as much. She has a sister called God of War 2, but I am yet to meet her.

I hope we can keep in touch, and maybe I’ll come round and give you another whirl at some point. But for now, goodbye, and good luck.

Best wishes, David.

Back to main…

John F**king Rambo!

By Jack
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John Rambo. His name alone has the power to strike fear into potential enemies. That five-lettered word: ‘Rambo’, it exudes power. Millions, nay, billions around the world know that name. They know who Rambo is, they know what Rambo stands for and they know what Rambo means.

But before I go any further, let’s have a look at how some professional critics reviewed his latest film:

The Hollywood Reporter (Michael Rechtshaffen) – “In short, No. 4 is one big snore.” – 40%.

Daily Mail (Chris Tookey) – “The fourth and, amazingly, the most meat-headed adventure yet of the killing machine John Rambo can safely be recommended to people who hate intelligence and love exploding body parts.” – 0/5.

Chicago Reader (J.R. Jones) – “The orgy of violence, as ghastly as in any video game, should go a long way toward erasing whatever goodwill Stallone earned with his sentimental ‘Rocky Balboa’.” – 30%.

Okay, 40%, 30% and a ridiculous zero out of five. Indeed, Daily Mail, you truly aren’t worthy to wipe my arse on. But hold on! I thought these reviews were supposed to tell us what we, the people, would think of a film, to forewarn us. If that is true, then someone please explain to me why IMDB has rated this film 7.8/10? And that, my friends, is the result of 26,462 votes. So, Chris Tookey, it’s time to pull your head out of your own arse and look at the real world.

The problem I have with these reviews is not that they gave ‘Rambo’ a bad rating, nor is it that I think the reviewers ignorant, I do not. The problem I have is that they review films like this in the same frame of mind as they would review ‘Casablanca’. If you were to admire Tracy Emin’s Turner Prize winner ‘My Bed’, would you compare it to the Mona Lisa? The answer is “No.”. They are both art (some may disagree about ‘My Bed’), but they are not in the same category. It is the same with films.

You do not go in to watch a film like ‘Rambo’ expecting to see a masterpiece. You don’t expect an Oscar-winner. You don’t expect an arty film. You go into ‘Rambo’ and you expect to see goddamn Rambo! And that is how you should rate it. It should be compared to previous Rambo films and similar films in the genre. If one of the above reviewers can honestly tell me that if they got together with a group of mates, got some beers in, hit the surround sound on, and watched ‘Rambo’ they wouldn’t enjoy it. Then they need to sit their womanly ass down and shut the hell up.

Now, let’s go to the next matter that pissed me off. Recently, the media have talked about Stallone being “too old” to make another Rambo film. They say nobody wants to see a 60-year-old action hero running around and shooting the place up. Now for anybody who shares these concerns, I want you to concentrate on what I’m about to say. Rambo would not just sit back and do nothing in the face of injustice. I’m not talking about Sylvester Stallone here; I’m talking about the actual character in the series. The personality of the character is not one whom would sit there in a rocking chair, nursing a brandy and tutting disapprovingly when he hears of missionaries being held captive and subjected to torture and almost certain death. Rambo would do exactly what he does in this film. He would do the thing he’s done all his life. He’d fight.

Something that impressed me in ‘Rambo’ is how well Stallone directed the film. You have to pat the big man on the back; there are some beautiful camera shots in the film. As expected, the plot is hazy, the dialogue is off in places and the acting is very average. But it could be a lot worse. Compared the other three in the series, number four ranks right behind ‘First Blood’. They canned the ridiculous explosive arrowheads, the eponymous hero doesn’t annihilate an entire army with a helicopter, and the gore is mostly realistic.

Speaking of gore, this film isn’t for the light-hearted. If you do not like violent films, the answer is simple, don’t see ‘Rambo’. One example in particular is a horrifying scene of Genocide. It is brutal. It is disturbing. But, amidst all that, it is necessary. The scene involves children being stabbed, an infant thrown into flames, and rape. But I am glad the scene was included. It shows a part of war that isn’t seen much. Things like that have actually happened, and they may still do. As sickening as it is – war isn’t pretty.

Overall, the film was enjoyable. If you enjoyed watching the previous Rambo films, if you enjoy decent action films, then watch this. If you don’t like violence or gore – don’t. It really is that simple. Stallone is past his best, but he is still in incredible condition for his age. And Rambo is never too old to wage a one-man war in the jungle.

If you disagree with this review, if you hated ‘Rambo’, if you think I’m an idiot, then feel free to leave a scathing comment. Just make sure you’ve judged ‘Rambo’ fairly.

Back to main…

Audiosurf, or how I learned to stop worrying and ride my music collection.

By Dave
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I stumbled across Audiosurf almost by complete accident – hiding in the Steam collection for $10. It’s basically the PC equivalent of a live arcade game for the Xbox 360, although the control scheme is definitely PC-centric, using the sensitivity of the mouse to its fullest. And what a find Audiosurf has turned out to be.

Based around the idea that each level is made from the rhythm and feel of a song (of which literally anything can be a level – any audio format that may be lying around your hard drive), you play a ship that moves through each musical level. There are numerous modes for you to play, although all use similar mechanics. Every level has three ‘pathways’ that pan out in front of you, each filled with coloured blocks that are placed in time with the song that the level is based on. Depending on the mode, you either have to dodge the blocks or collect different coloured blocks in order to arrange them on a grid around your ship to score points.

The idea itself is both ridiculously awkward to describe (as I think I may have just proved very well), but also stupidly simple as a play mechanic. Not to say that Audiosurf isn’t a deep game; indeed, it’s only as limited as your music collection. On top of this, Audiosurf is one addictive little game. The simple, ultra-violet graphics, the accessible but ultimately deep and rewarding gameplay and the fact you can listen and play along to your favourite music makes this a small, appealing chunk of gaming crack.

Probably the best feature of Audiosurf though, is that every single song has its very own online leaderboard scores, making every song a challenge to prove you’re the best, or even the thrill of finding a song that no one else has ever played is brilliant. On top of that, if you own a high score for a song and someone else beats it, you receive an email telling you that you’ve been ‘dethroned’ on that particular song, and urges you to try and reclaim your title. Which is brilliant.

So overall, Audiosurf is a fantastic little package that’s worth anyone’s time and money. Also, buying it through steam also means you get the Orange box soundtrack, which is almost the worth the entrance fee alone.

Back to main…

The World’s Most Exciting Home Video – Cloverfield.

By Jack and Dave
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Yo Dave!

So… Cloverfield – What were your thoughts? I was pleasantly surprised. Once I heard that the whole film was gonna be on a handheld camera, I was doubtful, to say the least. I mean, look how well that did for Blair Witch! But it wasn’t terrible. And Cloverfield is a film to see in the cinema if I ever saw one.

Jack.

———————-

Hello Sir Jack

Unlike you, I never doubted the idea of Cloverfield being anything less than an avant-garde success. The idea of putting the camera right into the action is absolute genius; the personalisation of a global event. In these post 9/11 times, everything has become about the individual it seems, and it was nice to see this sort of mentality reflected in what was basically a silly monster movie. However, I think the movie would have been better if it less to do with monsters, and more to do with the personal tragedy that comes from disasters.

Dave.

———————

Da’diggely Dave!

Less to do with monsters and more to do with the personal tragedy? Really? That is a catastrophic mistake. One which I like to call the ‘Michael Bay effect’. Look at transformers. There you have a premise that consists of a super team of GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS and the film focused more on the human side of the story. Just in case you don’t see the problem here, let me reiterate – GIANT! FUCKING! ROBOTS! Now let’s not take Cloverfield for what it isn’t. The film is about a monster wreaking havoc. I understand that the film wouldn’t be nearly as good if it didn’t have the human aspect, the part that gives us something to relate with. But the monster wasn’t overdone. It wasn’t like they spent half the movie running from it directly, a major portion is spent avoiding the problems it causes. I digress; the sound in the movie was incredible. Screeching, twisting metal and thunderous roars – sounds designed to set the heart-a-beatin’ and the adrenaline-a-pumpin’.

Jack

———————–

Sexy Jack

How dare you talk about Transformers in my presence! Transformers was a cynical load of CGI tripe. Yes, it focussed too much on the human side and not enough on the GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS (sic), but that only made the movie shit because the robots were so fucking cool and Shia LeBeouf was such a whingy little bastard. None of the human characters were fun in Transformers, just cut-out stereotypes (oh look, there’s a sexy girl who would never get off with Shia LeBeouf, but in the context of the movie she’s finds him hot because he talks to robots and inadvertently saves her life or something) whereas the characters in Cloverfield actually felt like they had a bit of depth and personality to them. Because of this, I wish Cloverfield had developed this a bit more. I agree with the sound in Cloverfield though; I think I may have shat my pants a little when I first heard the lizards roar.

Dave.

———————–

DJ Jazzy Dave

So we both agree that Transformers was rubbish. To get back on topic – The CGI, what did you think? I thought it varied a lot. The explosions and environmental happenings were excellent, they fit seamlessly into the shaky footage. But the monster: not so much. It seemed like it was pulled out of Unreal Tournament. Not to say that unreal tournament graphics are bad, but there is a huge difference between computer game graphics and film effects. And the monster just looked out of place.

Jack

———————-

Jack ma bitch

For once, I actually agree with you. The explosions fitted in perfectly with the shaky camera stuff, but the monster did look laughably poor in places. This, however, could be to do with the fact that monsters aren’t real, whereas explosions are.

Dave.

———————-

Yo Fizzle my Nizzle Dave!

Are you joking? Of course monsters are real! They have photos and everything! The Loch Ness monster, Bigfoot, the list goes on! Although I read somewhere that Bigfoot went into a spiral of drugs and depression after his fame in Harry and the Hendersons. Anyway, my final verdict – It is definitely worth seeing. But it has to be seen in the cinema! I can’t stress this enough. If you download* this film, or wait for it to come on DVD, then it will be an average film, merely quite enjoyable. In the cinema, with a screen the size of an orgy of elephants and booming surround sound, it becomes an epic experience.

*I do not condone illegal downloading.

Jack

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A film about the creation of small, foetus-ey types… Juno!

By Dave
————-—

There are certain times in every young persons life where they become interested in certain things. For example, at 5 years old, every single boy will love Lego, and every girl will want to be a Barbie (or whatever slutty caricature that’s popular nowadays). At 11 years old, every boy will be absolutely desperate for a Playstation, but will probably make do with a game boy. I always wanted a mega drive, but was never allowed one…

Anyway, I jest. By the age of 15 and 16, most teenagers will have but one thing on the brain. And that thing will be of the sexual nature.

We in the know refer to it as ‘cross gender intercourse’.

However, those young’uns don’t always think about the effects of their sexual course. One trade off of pleasurable intercourse can be Herpes. The other is babies.

Juno focuses on the babies part.

And so, after yet another one of my pointless rants, we get to the core of Juno. The main protagonist (Juno, natch) finds herself pregnant after spending a night of passion with her best friend, Paulie. And from this, a film ensues.

I could go on about the plot, but to be quite honest, I can’t be arsed. Every serious review with deal with things like that, so instead I will simply say that Juno is a fantastic, funny, heartbreaking and utterly charming movie that engages and elates with every scene. The entire cast is strong, each playing their roles well, from quirky kids (Ellen Page and Michael Cera playing the star-crossed lovers beautifully), to the odd foster parents (Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner being very weird indeed) all the way to the very down to earth parents (played by the dude from Spiderman and some other woman). The story is fun. Juno is basically a film where nothing in particular stands out, but every single part of the film comes together to create a wonderful experience.

However, a special mention must be given to the soundtrack. Not only does it include the classic song ‘Anyone but you’ by the Moldy Peaches, along with some solo work from Femme Peach Kimya Dawson, but it contains not one, but two songs by the lords of leftfield, Belle and Sebastian. I was so excited when I heard them, I almost literally wet my pants. Any film with Belle and Sebastian in the soundtrack is ok by me.

So then, most reviews round things up at the end. However, I feel like being different today, so instead I will square up to my audience.

Watch Juno. You WILL love it.

Back to main…

Welcome to my personal Blog

Hello. This is my blog and I can write whatever the hell I want in it! Freedom!

…

Fuck, shit, bugger.

Hehe.

Anyway… first, a few house rules. No talking, no staring, no breathing too loudly, no breathing unnaturally quietly, no spitting, no swearing, no sneezing, personal hygiene is a necessity, no questions, no talking over me, no… no… erm… don’t do that thing that annoys me. You know the thing I mean.

Aside from that – feel free to walk around in here and have fun not touching anything.

As you probably already know my name is Jack. I’ve known Dave for a few years now and he’s one of my closest friends.
We started this site because we both have a love for writing and we both love films and shit. It was originally intended for films alone, but fuck that. Variation is the way forward.

We did let the website slide recently, other matters took priority and reviews stopped (My fault mainly). But hopefully we’re both in it for the long run this time. That’s about all I have to say at the moment.

Chill out and have fun!

Back to Jack’s Blog…

Heavenly Sword? More Like… well, it’s bad anyway.

By Jack
————————

Heavenly Sword has been hailed as the must-have next-gen action game. It has even been branded ‘Goddess of War’, after the fantastic God of War series. Well, to call this game ‘Goddess of War’ is like putting a monocle on a turd and calling it Sir Patrick Moore.

Admittedly, I only played the demo of Heavenly Sword. But unless I’m very much mistaken, the primary objective of a demo is to impress you with the game, make you want the game, make you lust after the game. This demo chose a different approach.

You are thrown into the fictional world of Whogivesafuck, where your character; an attractive, impossibly red-haired, apparently Asian lady, whose name I didn’t bother to find out, has some quest that involves vengeance. Probably.

The game is appalling. The main aim is to face hordes of faceless foes. When you kill them, some slightly harder ones come out. Then you move to a new area. Repeat, repeat, repeat. If this is the future of gaming, call me a taxi to the ‘90s, ‘cause me and Streets of Rage have some catching up to do.

*Note to Readers: At this point in the review Jack wrote no more. He was in hospital for over a month with an almost fatal ‘combustion of cool’. This is where he attained a level of such ultimate coolness that his body gave out. We are told that ‘coolness’ works like a performance-enhancing drug. With some of it – you are better at everything you do. But if you have too much, you die. Jack had far, far too much. Because, let’s face it, Jack is awesome.
Anyway, Jack has not played this game since he started the review over a month ago.
Deal with it.

(The above ‘note to readers’ was in no way written by Jack.)

Heavenly Sword? That’s the game with the redheaded chick and all those Asian people, isn’t it? I played that a while ago. If I remember correctly, as I usually do, that game was AWESOME!

I was all like *Pew Pew* with this huge sword and the enemies were all like *dying noises*. Damn, that was a good game!

Now get the hell off my porch. (We are unsure whom Jack is talking to here.)

Back to main…

Dave is reviewing Carnavas by Silversun Pickups… So please listen to him.

By Dave
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If there’s one thing that I would have to say that I love doing, it’s introducing people to new bands. To literally everyone I talk to, I will ask them if they are familiar with the work of Belle and Sebastian, and then probably sulk if I find out that they aren’t. And if they don’t like Belle and Sebastian, I would actually hurt them until they changed their tune.

So yes, I’m very opinionated when it comes to music. It basically comes down to the fact that I presume that I am correct and everyone else either falls in line with me, or is completely foolish. I realise this is quite a problem in integrating and having normal conversations about music, but when I feel so passionately about something, I don’t like having to back down or agreeing with someone else’s opinion. For example, I cannot accept that The View have any music talent, and anyone who thinks that they write good songs can fuck off. Also, their pretend Rock and Roll credentials grate on me- so what that they’ve had the same jeans on for four days- I’ve been wearing the ones I currently sit in for a week now. Does this make me more rock and Roll than The View? Probably.

Anyway, I rant. What I actually meant to do here is to tell you about my new favourite band, Silversun Pickups. Their debut album, Carnavas, has been out for a while now, but only now do I actually feel compelled to write about it, after listening to it rather a lot, and fully digesting their goodness.

And oh, the goodness! This is one hell of an album. From start to finish, it is pure fuzz ridden rock beauty. The dirty, often overdriven guitars mix perfectly with Brian Aubert’s soft voice to create a sound that I personally can’t compare with any other band. However, critics in the know say they sound like The Smashing Pumpkins, if that means anything to you. All I know is that I like what I hear. Songs like Lazt Eye keeping building up, dropping back down and generally taking you on a satisfying audio journey. A couple of the later songs don’t have as much impact as the start, but no single track is unlistenable.

And so this is a damn good album. I demand you go and buy it, as their not very famous, but they deserve to be. Also, I like them, and I am generally right about these things, so trust me on this. You shall not be disappointed.

Back to main…

300 – A bag of Mixed Views.

By Jack and Dave
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Dear Jack,

It has recently come to my attention that you are a fan of the uber-manly and rather homo erotic action fest that is 300. How can this be? Please explain to me how you don’t view it as a piece of stylish yet totally empty piece of crap.

Yours truly,
Dave.

————————-

Dear Dave,

I’m afraid the reception of that message did not sit well with me. 300 is an excellent film. The action scenes are intense, the dialogue, for the most part, is memorable, and the visuals are outstanding. Empty? It is a fantastic story about men standing in the face of a huge adversary, and not backing down. That film is as deep as the well those Persians got kicked down. How the hell can you not have enjoyed that?

Yours sincerely,
Jack.

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Dear Jack,

The action is completely in slow motion, which is bloody ridiculous, the dialogue is atrocious- everybody speaks in clichés- and the visuals are brown. And how can you say it’s a deep story? It’s just a bunch of homosexuals fighting each other and then going back to base camp at the end of the day to play with each other. This is the perfect example of a movie designed for fools- big, stupid action, thick dialogue, some tits and lots of men being overly manly with each other. It’s for blokes. And I am not a bloke. I can articulate feelings and the suchlike.

Yours truly,
Dave.

———————-

Dave,

Firstly, the action is not completely in slow motion, there are whole scenes in real speed, such as when the Persians are hitting the Spartan’s Phalanx. Yes, that said ‘Phalanx’, nothing else. In other fight scenes the slow motion is used only when the killing blow is struck. I agree that in the politics scenes, and conversations, the dialogue can be a bit boring and slow. But the one-liners in this film practically made me grow a second penis. You know which ones I’m talking about. As I may have stated somewhere before, I am a man. And this film is worthy of going hunting with 3:10 to Yuma. You want emotions and feelings? King Leonidas’ last words were “My love.” That alone added depth. That all throughout he could not tell his wife he loved her, then he does in his final breath. The narration is poetry, and some bits are cheesy, but damn, some bits are beautifully written. I’d like to add that there is no homosexual overtone in the film, maybe you just wanted there to be.

Jack.

———————

Dear Jack,

300 is clearly the gayest film in recent years. I mean, the Spartans could at least put some clothes on- they’re just happily parading their bodies around to other men. Now, if lots of beautiful women were about, offering naughty services to the men, such blatant nipple action would be fine, but there are no women (apart from the whores, which is obviously demeaning to women, but that’s another argument) And also, the main Persian looked like a sex slave.
As for king Leonardo’s (or whatever) last words, he only said them because he knew he was going to die and wouldn’t have to live with the consequences. Not to mention, it’s totally context-less. His love for what? The male form? Cock in his mouth?
And as for the word ‘Phalanx’. Must I tell you what this is an allusion to?
Honestly Jack, I don’t know how you can defend this film- it’s madness.

Dave xx

————————

Dave,

Madness?

…

This

Is

SPARTA!

Love,
Jack.

————————–

Dear Jack

Please remember to take those tablets I gave you. I worry for you.

Love Dave xx

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End of discussion.

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Back to main…

Golf, a Gentleman’s Game?

By Jack
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Golf. A game invented by the Scottish, when some cocky bastard decided it would be fun to hit a small, hard ball with a stick. Aiming to get it in a small hole, hundreds of fucking yards away. But he wasn’t content with the game at that point. So he decided to place obstacles in your way, like long grass, sand pits and lakes. Fucking lakes! Then, as the final nail in the coffin, Cocky McArsehole thought that there should be 18 of these holes to conquer.

I played golf yesterday, one round of 18 holes with my Dad. The weather was pleasant, the scenery – picturesque, the golf, was a full on hammer-ride of ball-crushing competition. In my lifetime I have not played much golf, I play occasionally with borrowed clubs, playing a friendly game with my Dad. Yesterday, the club was busy; my competition was not against my Father – a seasoned player, but against the other groups of golfers. The sweater-wearing, Titleist-sporting veterans, who power through that course, like a white man through Salford.

My golfing talents allow me to play a mean round of the gentleman’s sport. If you imagine the fairway as a bowling alley, mine is the ball that manages to bounce off every single section of the bumpers, before flopping impotently into the pins, slightly disturbing the air around them.

That’s right. My ‘golf-penis’ is small and insignificant. It awkwardly fumbles around the course, throwing fleeting glances, as the thunderous erections of the veterans stride past, it bashfully averts their judgmental gaze. We were passed by numerous groups of players during our game. My Dad played well, but he was hindered by my incompetence, or to stick to the golf-penis theme, my incontinence. Every golfer that passed us, marched by smugly, their golf-penis swinging around their knees. Whereas theirs had ‘Titleist’ tattooed down the length, mine just had ‘Tit’.

On one such occasion, two golfers were stuck behind us for several holes. Halfway through the hole we would see them wander up to the tee, waiting indignantly for us to finish the hole. Eventually we relented, letting them pass. The smaller of the two met my eyes as he walked. His piercing glare said so much, to put it in pastry terms; his eyes were pies of pity, but they were glazed with malice. It took every fibre of my being not to punch him right in his 8-year-old face. Anyway, I don’t think his Grandpa would have liked that.

Back to main…