Heavenly Sword? More Like… well, it’s bad anyway.

By Jack
————————

Heavenly Sword has been hailed as the must-have next-gen action game. It has even been branded ‘Goddess of War’, after the fantastic God of War series. Well, to call this game ‘Goddess of War’ is like putting a monocle on a turd and calling it Sir Patrick Moore.

Admittedly, I only played the demo of Heavenly Sword. But unless I’m very much mistaken, the primary objective of a demo is to impress you with the game, make you want the game, make you lust after the game. This demo chose a different approach.

You are thrown into the fictional world of Whogivesafuck, where your character; an attractive, impossibly red-haired, apparently Asian lady, whose name I didn’t bother to find out, has some quest that involves vengeance. Probably.

The game is appalling. The main aim is to face hordes of faceless foes. When you kill them, some slightly harder ones come out. Then you move to a new area. Repeat, repeat, repeat. If this is the future of gaming, call me a taxi to the ‘90s, ‘cause me and Streets of Rage have some catching up to do.

*Note to Readers: At this point in the review Jack wrote no more. He was in hospital for over a month with an almost fatal ‘combustion of cool’. This is where he attained a level of such ultimate coolness that his body gave out. We are told that ‘coolness’ works like a performance-enhancing drug. With some of it – you are better at everything you do. But if you have too much, you die. Jack had far, far too much. Because, let’s face it, Jack is awesome.
Anyway, Jack has not played this game since he started the review over a month ago.
Deal with it.

(The above ‘note to readers’ was in no way written by Jack.)

Heavenly Sword? That’s the game with the redheaded chick and all those Asian people, isn’t it? I played that a while ago. If I remember correctly, as I usually do, that game was AWESOME!

I was all like *Pew Pew* with this huge sword and the enemies were all like *dying noises*. Damn, that was a good game!

Now get the hell off my porch. (We are unsure whom Jack is talking to here.)

Back to main…

Tags: Heavenly Sword PS3 Jack asian medieval weapons army gam