300 - A bag of Mixed Views.

By Jack and Dave
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Dear Jack,

It has recently come to my attention that you are a fan of the uber-manly and rather homo erotic action fest that is 300. How can this be? Please explain to me how you don’t view it as a piece of stylish yet totally empty piece of crap.

Yours truly,
Dave.

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Dear Dave,

I’m afraid the reception of that message did not sit well with me. 300 is an excellent film. The action scenes are intense, the dialogue, for the most part, is memorable, and the visuals are outstanding. Empty? It is a fantastic story about men standing in the face of a huge adversary, and not backing down. That film is as deep as the well those Persians got kicked down. How the hell can you not have enjoyed that?

Yours sincerely,
Jack.

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Dear Jack,

The action is completely in slow motion, which is bloody ridiculous, the dialogue is atrocious- everybody speaks in clichés- and the visuals are brown. And how can you say it’s a deep story? It’s just a bunch of homosexuals fighting each other and then going back to base camp at the end of the day to play with each other. This is the perfect example of a movie designed for fools- big, stupid action, thick dialogue, some tits and lots of men being overly manly with each other. It’s for blokes. And I am not a bloke. I can articulate feelings and the suchlike.

Yours truly,
Dave.

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Dave,

Firstly, the action is not completely in slow motion, there are whole scenes in real speed, such as when the Persians are hitting the Spartan’s Phalanx. Yes, that said ‘Phalanx’, nothing else. In other fight scenes the slow motion is used only when the killing blow is struck. I agree that in the politics scenes, and conversations, the dialogue can be a bit boring and slow. But the one-liners in this film practically made me grow a second penis. You know which ones I’m talking about. As I may have stated somewhere before, I am a man. And this film is worthy of going hunting with 3:10 to Yuma. You want emotions and feelings? King Leonidas’ last words were “My love.” That alone added depth. That all throughout he could not tell his wife he loved her, then he does in his final breath. The narration is poetry, and some bits are cheesy, but damn, some bits are beautifully written. I’d like to add that there is no homosexual overtone in the film, maybe you just wanted there to be.

Jack.

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Dear Jack,

300 is clearly the gayest film in recent years. I mean, the Spartans could at least put some clothes on- they’re just happily parading their bodies around to other men. Now, if lots of beautiful women were about, offering naughty services to the men, such blatant nipple action would be fine, but there are no women (apart from the whores, which is obviously demeaning to women, but that’s another argument) And also, the main Persian looked like a sex slave.
As for king Leonardo’s (or whatever) last words, he only said them because he knew he was going to die and wouldn’t have to live with the consequences. Not to mention, it’s totally context-less. His love for what? The male form? Cock in his mouth?
And as for the word ‘Phalanx’. Must I tell you what this is an allusion to?
Honestly Jack, I don’t know how you can defend this film- it’s madness.

Dave xx

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Dave,

Madness?

…

This

Is

SPARTA!

Love,
Jack.

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Dear Jack

Please remember to take those tablets I gave you. I worry for you.

Love Dave xx

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End of discussion.

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Tags: 300, Leonidas, King, King Leonidas, Sparta, Spartans, Epic, Swords, Gore, Phalanx, Persians, Greece, Frank Miller, Battle, Thermopylae, Gerard Butler, Xerxes