Picross, you puzzling bitch….

By Dave
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I seem to have a bit of a soft spot when it comes to puzzle games. There’s just something about a puzzle games that, when perfected, is just completely addictive and impossible to put down. It happened last year with my Tetris addiction, that lasted about 3 months. I literally could not stop picking up my DS; every spare moment I had, I worked on perfecting my block spatial awareness, increasing my block rotation speed and associating the different coloured blocks to the others and how they would best fit together. If I ate cheese before going to bed, I would have strange cheese dreams about Tetris blocks invading my home and trying to crush my family. I was addicted, and there was nothing I could do about it- I had to become a Tetris master.

And I became a Tetris master. Now, every time I pick up Tetris, I can perfectly match all the shapes together. I never fail. I could literally keep going forever.

I eventually weaned myself off it’s beauty, and for a while, I was fine. I was a perfectly adjusted member of society. I went out drinking with friends, talked about interesting topics and could almost converse with girls in a normal manner.

Unfortunately, now Picross has now come along, and it threatens to ruin my life all over again. In Picross, the aim of the game is to make a picture on the grid given to you through placing blue blocks on certain bits in accordance to numbers lined up on the sides of the grid.

Now, the way I’ve just described it makes Picross sound like some kind of retarded maths quiz that your teacher used to force upon you when giving you a rest from proper work, or for a ‘Christmas treat’. But refrain from accusing me of being a boring maths nerd who enjoys logic puzzles for a minute. Picross rocks. Or at least it rocks in the same way that Belle and Sebastian rock. Picross is not a cool game- it doesn’t have the flashy graphics of the big consoles or the amazingly awesome main character that everyone wants to look like, but it does have a simple charm. It’s laid out to you simply, and in an uncluttered way. It just gives you lots of puzzley goodness.

And that’s all it needs to give you. It realises that all you want is the puzzles, and that’s all it does. It gives lots and lots of puzzles. It even gives you an option for you to design your own puzzles and send them to people via WiFi. And oh, what lovely, wonderful, brain taxing and fun puzzles it gives, like Gary Kasparov setting you chess task after chess task, but making it fun by giving you sweets whilst you play.

And now, I want to master the art of Picross. I want to be able to work out every puzzle in the shortest time possible and look at all the funny little block pictures I create, then laugh as they don’t really look like anything. Goodbye life, hello Picross.

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Dave reviews Bioshock, and mutters…

By Dave
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Bioshock is one of the most disappointing games I’ve played in a long time. There, I’ve said it. Despite the high scores the published press have been lavishing on it, this game is not deserving of any awards. However, before I basically whine about the entire game, let me give you some info about Bioshock.

After the plane you were on crashes into the sea, leaving you as the only survivor, you find what looks a bit like a lighthouse in the middle of the sea that has an elevator going down deep into the murky bowels of the ocean. As you descend, you are introduced through a voiceover that you are about to enter a new world, the world of Rapture.

And I must say, at this point I was enraptured with Bioshock. Simply put, the opening sequence is astonishing, perfectly introducing this underwater paradise to you, and quickly giving a sense that something within is amiss. The first thing that really hits you is the graphics- this game looks stunning. From the grandiose art-deco architecture to the puddles of seawater seeping in through the cracks of the not totally safe walls, the setting is unlike any other game on the market, and immediately sets it apart as an individual in a market swamped by boring and samey settings. The atmosphere just feels right and you can’t help but be dragged into the new and strange world.

Also, the start of the games does a very good job of setting up the story of the warring factions within Rapture, and introduces you well to the world that surrounds you, from the combat techniques, to the currency of Adam, which is the key to a large portion of the game. Adam allows you to buy in game powers, called plasmids. These plasmids range from being able to shoot fire from your hand to burn enemies or set fire to patches to enhancements that make you better at hacking all the in-game cameras and turrets. All very well and good.

Now, before I go on a rant about every single part of the game that I don’t like, I should say some nice things about Bioshock. The graphics and sense of place are very good. The story has enough pace to pull you through the game and keep you interested. The voice acting is really rather good.

Ok, rant time.

Firstly, the shooting part of the game was imperfect in many ways. I played Bioshock on PC, which may negate some of this argument for anyone who plays it on the 360, but I found the shooting annoyingly imprecise. Targeting different body parts made no difference to the damage the enemies took, negating any kind of accuracy that a mouse would lend to the game. Also, the weapons, apart from the shotgun, never felt weighty enough to make you feel like you were dealing out great fiery bundles of pain, instead merely taking a bit more out of the enemies’ health. For a game based around shooting, I found it disappointingly average.

Also not making the shooting, or any other part of the game any better is the plasmid system. My main gripe with the plasmids was that there were too many of them and they were rarely explicitly needed in order to progress in the game. They felt far too much like a tacked on afterthought to me, there to aid you a little bit in a fight, much like a power-up. I would have liked to have seen them used much more integrally in the game, for example to solve puzzles or find alternative pathways through the levels.

There was too much choice, as I previously mentioned, making your plasmid selection rather pointless. Presumably, this was to give the player a sense of choice and help them shape and individualise their character, but it felt too loose for me. I would have preferred a set roster of plasmids that the player had to carefully use in order to progress through the game. This would have given them a use of their own, rather than merely bolstering the weapons.

However, the most disappointing aspect of the game has to be the story. Well, that’s a bit of a hyperbole; the story itself was good enough, and well told through various voice-logs and people speaking to you via radio messages. However, for such a well-written and cleverly woven narrative, it missed one very important thing – it forgot to make you care about the characters. For all the atmosphere it had, the interesting (if hardly ground-breaking) story, I finished the game without caring for a single character I was in contact with. It’s a real pity, as I would probably forgive some of its flaws if I felt emotionally involved in the game. However, I always felt like an outsider looking into the world objectively, I never actually got immersed in the world as a living character experiencing the events, which is something only the best games do.

So then, now that I’ve thoroughly had a dig at the intricacies of Bioshock, I’m now going to recommend you play it. Yes, you heard me, and yes, I am a contradictory fool – despite its flaws, it’s still an enjoyable game to play through and to come to your own conclusions with. As I stated at the start of the review, the press loved it, and I’m sure many others will feel the same way. For me though, there were just a few too many niggles that stopped it from being an amazing game. As it stands, it’s flawed, but still fun and definitely worth your attention.

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3:10 to Yuma – A Man’s Film. Reviewed by Jack.

By Jack
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You’re a man. You’re a real man. You have a manly job, like a lumberjack or something. Your most commonly used adjective is ‘Goddamn’. You think the only proper way to put out a fire is to piss on it. But you have so much Goddamn scotch in your system, that you create a mushroom cloud the size of Alaska.

I understand that you may be reading this, and you are in fact a woman. But you’re a man’s woman. You like your men rugged and strong. You’re idea of a first date, is for your man to punch out six drunks and whisk you away. You like your men to eat steak, and wear boots.

Manly boots.

If either of the above descriptions match you, then read on. If not, then you’d better get your ass off this page, before I slap the Goddamn taste outta your mouth.

As you may have guessed by now, 3:10 to Yuma is one hell of a manly film. A film laden with cold glares, and hard punches. And men. Men wearing hats. Do you know what’s manlier than a man wearing a hat? Nothing. That’s what.
Actually that’s not strictly true. There is one thing more manly than a man wearing a hat. And that’s a cowboy wearing a hat.

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You see that look? That look right there? Well if you find yourself caught in that cold stare, then you’re as good as dead.

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In this movie, Christian Bale plays Dan Evans, a soldier-turned-rancher, who is struggling to afford to keep his land, and feed his wife and two sons. Then along comes Ben Wade, portrayed excellently by Russell Crowe. Ben Wade is a thief and a cut-throat, leading a band of killers. That is, until he is captured, thanks partly to Evans. Dan Evans is offered $200 to help escort Wade to the train that will take him to his hanging; the 3:10 to Yuma. An opportunity he can’t afford to turn down.

Throughout the film we are subjected to gunfights and punch-ups. These scenes never fail to impress. Whether it’s fast, gun-slinging action, intense, short battles, or just a good ol’ fight, you will not be disappointed. These scenes are all well choreographed, and the lead up to them is fantastic. When it comes down to cold stares, Russell Crowe’s ice blue eyes would have you quaking in your spur-heeled boots.

3:10 to Yuma is a remake of the 1957 film of the same name. This remake is beautifully shot, and may give new life to the ‘Westerns’ genre. One that was once so popular, but which we rarely see any more. I think the last proper Western I saw before this, was Wild Wild West, starring Will Smith. And that is too long to wait.

The movie has great pacing to it, not once allowing you to get bored, and wonder what you’re doing with your life. The film is so consistent, that I did find myself worrying that the ending would ruin it by being anti-climactic or unrealistic. But that was most definitely not the case. The last half-hour keeps you riveted to your seat. Topped off with an ending scene, that leaves your testosterone pumping, and your Y-chromosomes laying the hurt on any unsuspecting Xs that happen to stroll their way.

If you find yourself at home, baking pies, or trying on your other half’s dresses, then go see this film. Because there is nothing more manly that the Wild West. Where you could punch a man for giving you a dirty look. Or throw him through a Goddamn window for spilling your drink.

Jack rates 3:10 to Yuma: 9/10 Awesomes!

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Dave reviews Superbad, but in a more egotistical way

By Dave
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As a film student, I am often encouraged to watch a lot of arty films, and then analyse them in a pretentious and aloof manner. This, I love doing, as there is nothing I like to do more than to wave my intellectual willy around and show off to everyone what a clever clogs I am.

The thing is, I don’t actually like arty and pretentious films that much. No matter how much intricate mise-en-scene they throw at me, no matter how much the colour purple symbolises sexual tension, I can’t help shake the fact that arty films are pure nonsense that only appeal to about three people who enjoy smoking pipes whilst moaning about the fact there hasn’t been a good film since the 1927 Fritz Lang classic, Metropolis.

Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed Metropolis in a ‘this is German and has no people speaking in it, and the story makes no sense’ kind of way, but I much prefer silly modern movies where people talk about sex and have amusing montages. I prefer films like Superbad.

And yes, before you point your accusing finger at me, I know that was a very tenuous link. However, this is a blog and I can write what I want, and with no word count, so I can indulge in whatever little fantasies I like. I love being an egomaniac.

Anyway, Superbad is a film written by Yogi bear lookalike Seth Rogen and his friend Evan Goldberg, and is about teens who just wanna have fun (and more importantly, sex). It follows two teens at the brink of leaving high school, and still without having sex. The protagonists (called, presumably after the writers themselves, Seth and Evan) are invited to a party by some girls they fancy, and are entrusted to supply the booze for the event. From this simple premise spirals an increasingly out of control day for our heroes as we witness their hapless antics.

So this is an average teen comedy with jokes about cocks then? Well yes and no. There are an abundance of jokes about the male member and it is a very sex orientated film, but it’s more than another American Pie rip off because it does something more- it creates real characters that are totally believable.

Usually in this type of film, the main characters are feeble caricatures of teenagers, with made up problems and acted by a 25 year old who can’t remember what being a teenager is really like. Seth and Evan are some of the most convincing film teen characters since The Breakfast Club. Seth is a bolshy guy who is totally hyped about the prospect of any kind of sexual interactivity, whereas Evan is a shy guy who can barely talk to girls without feeling awkward. No great shakes you may think from those descriptions, but the interaction between them is just spot on- they converse exactly like real teenagers. Not like film teens; real teens. It’s a small thing, but one that makes their friendship so much more believable.

This much was shown when Seth and Evan were split up for part of the movie- that was the only point in the movie it started to drag a little. Otherwise, I thought that the pacing and flow was brilliant, because of the chemistry between Seth and Evan.

So Superbad, worth a watch? If your bag is gross-out humour wrapped in brilliant characterisation, then it is definitely worth your money. Not into teen comedies? Then why the bloody hell have you read this? Go read some Graham Green.

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Superbad – A Review by Jack

By Jack
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Seth Rogen is fast-becoming a huge star in the Hollywood comedy circle. But I’m sure you are already aware of the recent rise of his career, so why waste time on that when I could be talking about penis jokes? Because this film has an abundance of them.

Arguably the most memorable of these scenes is the ‘Dick Montage’. As a child, Seth (Jonah Hill) had an affliction, which caused him to draw hundreds and hundreds of penises. All day long. We get to see many of these drawings in a beautiful montage, some of my favourites were the Unknown Rebel dick, standing strong before oncoming tanks, the Slim Pickens dick, riding the bomb that ends the world, and of course, the Mr. T dick.

Moving away from jokes of the crotchal region. I’d like to discuss, seriously, the film at hand. The basic storyline is that two best friends must buy $100 worth of alcohol, for a party. The reason for this is that the girls they both like are at that party, and they think buying the alcohol will secure them some sweet McLovin’. Meanwhile, their social disaster of a friend is cruising around with two cops who are just out to have a good time.

This film at first glance is just another teen movie. It utilises methods of shock and ‘gross-out’ humour, seen all too often in films such as the American Pie franchise. It also has the cliché plotline of teenage lads attempting to get laid. But Superbad is so much more than that. The film is rife with witty jokes, hilarious one-liners and realistic dialogue. This, amongst other things, is what makes it stand out from the rest. The humour is not restricted to simplicity and cheap laughs, some of the more memorable lines from this film will be quoted for years. “You only have one name. Who do you think you are? Seal?”

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<Above: Possibly a penis joke being told.>

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The actors play their roles perfectly in this, and when combined with the natural dialogue it gives a very solid effect. The atmosphere in this film is true to life for teenagers of that age, immature discussions, jovial insults, and a general awkwardness in new situations. Such films as American Pie, and Road Trip only tell half of the story. They do manage to portray the immature side of the characters, and the obsession with sex. But they steer well clear of the finer points. Superbad lovingly gathers these points off the edge of the dusty road, and slams them into your jugular. And it manages it with admirable results.

Surprisingly, it was not a film with bad character creation that reminded me of the importance of the characters, but a film that sculpts its characters so well, that you end up feeling a bond with them. Superbad was this film. Seth and Evan (Michael Cera), who, incidentally were named after the film’s writers; Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, play off each other perfectly. These two young actors handle their roles in a manner that reflects each other’s attributes, and hides each other’s flaws.

The smooth dialogue and well-written characters make this film what it is. Not only the lead roles, but also Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Fogell/McLovin’, who must now be being praised by nerds all over the world for his supreme awkwardness and lack of cool. When Fogell first walked into the classroom and spoke his debut lines, I have to admit; I could see myself hating him. But as the film rolled on, McLovin’ fast became one of my favourite characters in the film. The sheer uncoolness of his character somehow made him cool. It could be applied that two negatives make a positive, but frankly, I don’t understand how it worked.

Fogell was a nugget of comedy gold on his own, but when he joined forces with Officer Michaels and Officer Slater, that is when he truly shined. These two are, I must say, the most awesome cops I have ever seen. Played by Seth Rogen and Bill Hader, the Officers were committing more crimes than they were solving. The antics of Michaels, Slater and McLovin’ (Which, by the way, is what I am calling my first-born son.) must have brought the biggest laughs from the cinema audience. At one point, I could swear that I heard a polite titter, although I cannot be sure, because I myself was attempting to stifle an outward expression of mirth. I forgot to mention that I live in England, where it is considered uncouth to show emotions in public.

Beyond all the hilarity there is a deeper level to the film. Seth and Evan, who have been friends since they can remember, now have to split up and head their different ways, to college or whatever awaits. They both have a clear internal battle throughout the film, as they try to come to terms with the future of their friendship, and also struggle to admit to themselves and each other what they mean to one another. The message here, which is not tried to put across subtly, is that friendships do end at that point in a person’s life, it happens to everyone, and can be hard to deal with. This message in a comedy of this genre is quite touching, and is handled well where it could have been bundled up as cheddar.

Overall, this film was highly enjoyable. It will no doubt be joining others such as Anchorman at the top of the Golden Comedy Halls in my mind. I have been left craving more from the actors and writers involved in this, and when they come, I daresay I won’t be disappointed. I suggest that anybody who has not seen this should rectify that problem immediately. It isn’t advisory to take young children, whom the age restriction should keep out anyway, or parents, because there are a hell of a lot of penis jokes in this. Also, the word ‘Fuck’ is uttered over 180 times.

In the veritable sack of shit that teenage comedies reside in, Superbad really is a diamond in the rough. (I have been itching to include the word ‘veritable’ for this whole review.)

Jack awards Superbad – 9/10 Awesomes.

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And…

 

Hello from me also. Dave and I will be reviewing the <noun> out of whatever we can lay our hands on. So you’d better stay the hell off our lawn before we review something that may affect you.

 

Jack

It’s hello from me…

 

Hello, and welcome to what will no doubt end up as a revolutionary page, where generations to come will heartily exclaim “Wow, this am good page!” and small children will make up amusing dances that express our words through the medium of movement.

What we plan to acheive in this page is a sense of entertainment, nay enlightenment upon subjects that we choose to review. Both Jack and I will review something, be it a film, a game, someone’s mum or the public toilets in south Devon, and will give impartial views which will make you gasp and quite possibly scream with glee.

Welcome person, to the future of reviewing. Welcome to Jack and Dave’s Awesome Reviews.

Dave